randomly chaotic and frequently mundane

that doesn’t involve Hot Russian Guy.

Gage is doing awesome.  He’s been painting a lot lately.  I get him these wooden cut outs and he paints them with water colors.  His technique for painting them is really beautiful.  I was thinking about trying to sell some of them on ebay or something.  Just to help pay for more materials, since he seems to be calmed by the painting.  I need to find a bigger variety of the cut outs, as well.  School starts in just about a month, and he’s enjoying his summer program.

Work is work.  There are some nice customers, and there are lots of asshole customers.  My co-workers, for the most part, are great.  Hi Andrew!  Right now is the time of vacations, so a lot of people are missing… sucks sometimes, especially since Andrew and Nikki are both out next week and I shall missing them.

Been having a bit more of a social life lately.  Dinner with some co-workers a few times, movies with Mare and her daughter last month, helped another friend fill out some legal paperwork last week, but the conversation while we were doing it was great, I actually had a blast and got a foot rub and a shoulder rub out of it.

Contemplating the idea of dating.  No one specific, just “getting out there” as they say.  I dunno.  See, I believe in full disclosure.  If a guy expresses interest in me, by the end of the first date they’ll know I’m a single mom.  From what I understand, most women in my position wait a few dates (some even wait till it’s officially a relationship) to let that fact be known.  I’m not out for a free dinner or trip to the movies if I go out with someone.  I’ll happily pick up the tab sometimes or split the bill, it’s not about that.  It’s about finding someone you connect with on a personal level.  About doing something for you, instead of doing everything in your life for your child(ren).  We single moms (and single dads) tend to focus solely on our little ones and forget that by not taking care of our personal needs (and I’m not talking about sex, actually), we’re actually doing our children a disservice.  But how many men are going to be interested in this particular brand of single mom?  It’s worth considering.  I don’t think I’ll turn down a chance to have a good time with a good person, but I don’t think I’m up for actively searching, either.

In honor of that, I’d like to post about about my son.

He was diagnosed on Feb 15, 2007.  He was almost 5 years old at the time.  What lead us to have him evaluated?  I actually get that question a lot.  He hadn’t started to speak yet, for starters.  He also lacked social skills — though he hadn’t had much social interaction with his peers prior to starting pre-school that year.  He didn’t make eye contact and wasn’t affectionate and he had a hard time focusing on a single task (more so than your average 4 yr old, that is).

What was it like?  Well, it was difficult.  I’ll admit, I cried.  In that moment, I realized all the things that my son might never experience as a result.  He may never fall in love.  May never attend college.  Might never have a career that he loves… there are so many “might nevers.”  It hurt me to know that my son might not experience those things.  But the next morning, I woke up with a renewed resolve — the might nots are still there, but what can and will happen is that I will do everything in my power to make sure that my son has the opportunity for those things to happen.  In essence, I woke with a new attitude and determination.  Now my son is on the Ritalin patch, which helps him to focus on things in school and at home.  He interacts with other children more frequently than just school.  He’s encouraged and praised when he uses new words correctly.  His progress has been tremendous the past couple of years and he’s going into a class next year that relies less on “one on one” lessons and more on group lessons.

Yes, there are still tantrums from time to time.  And even rarer than that, there are still meltdowns.  They’re terrible and heart breaking and occasionally frightening.  But that’s part of who my son is, but don’t get me wrong… if and when it goes away, I won’t miss it.  It’s still a part of life and we deal with it.  ‘Nuff said.

Do you ever wonder about the things you’re missing out on by not having a normal child?  What’s normal?  My son is normal to me.  He’s the only child I’ve ever had, his diagnosis didn’t change anything.  He was the same kid the day before we got the piece of paper that said “Diagnosis: Autism” as he was the day after we got that piece of paper.  And just what am I missing out on?  I have a loving son who is affectionate, loves to laugh and play outside.  Loves a lot of the movies I grew up watching, likes playing with the dog… a child for whom blowing bubbles or a bowl of mac and cheese will cure any sour mood or boo-boo.  Sound a lot like some “normal” kids you know?  I’m not missing out on anything, I’m just experiencing it in a different way than you.

On May 22, my family and I (including my son) will be participating in the Autism walk in our community. Please feel free to click the link and contribute to our team. Your support would be greatly appreciated.

Click Here to Donate

there’s a dog in the house again.  She’s a puggle named Petunia and absolutely adorable.  She’s also sweet as hell.

Gage is doing really good in school.  Next year he’ll be in the more advanced Autism class, which is excellent news.  I’m so very excited and proud and all of that.  We’ve signed up for the Autism walk again this year.  We want to make it an annual thing.  Starting the fund raising so we’re not scrambling at the last minute to try to get donations.

Work is work.  One of our more unpleasant customers was in today — skunk lady.  She attempted to make amends for some of the nastiness she’s unleashed.  Alas, she was attempting to make amends to the wrong person.  Which was both disturbing and amusing at the same time.  Maybe she’s sincere.  I’m not sure I buy it.

Searching for a new car.  New used car, that is.  Found a couple of options that look like they’ll be reliable, budget friendly and kind of “fit” as far as me getting behind the wheel without needing 25 pillows to be able to see over the dashboard.  Shortness has it’s challenges, you know.

Read New Moon and Eclipse this weekend.  Good books.  Can’t wait to see the movies.  Now I just need to get a copy of Breaking Dawn and complete the series.  I dunno about that whole “Team Edward/Team Jacob” thing.  Frankly, I think Bella should stick with Edward and send me a Jacob.  I’d definitely like a Jacob in my life.  Or maybe an Edward.  Both at the same time could be interesting, too.  LOL

I haven’t posted in ages, I doubt anyone actually reads this thing anymore, but I’m back.  Hopefully I’ll stay off my lazy butt and update more often.  I’m hoping to get back into at least a weekly routine.  Which also means that I’ll probably start doing some paid posts again, but I’ll do my best to be a good girl and only post paid posts on products, services, etc that I’m interested in.  I’ll also try to keep it from taking over, since I know there was a point that it got WAY out of hand (but it was also my only source of income at the time).

 Anyhoo, I’m doing ok.  The boyfriend mentioned awhile back is no more.  Hopefully we’ll stay friends, but let’s face it, how often does that work out?  C (the “boy toy” that preceeded boyfriend) has expressed interest in adding benefits to our friendship again, but I don’t know that I want to go there.  I’ll be 34 years old in a few weeks, do I really want or need a friend with benefits?  Don’t get me wrong, it was mighty fun to be able to say I was “nailing someone 10 years my junior” and it was VERY good.  But I just don’t know if that’s something I want right now.

My car is on its last legs, I’m hoping to save up enough for something decent before it dies.  If I don’t manage that, I’ll be borrowing mom’s bike to ride to work every day.  Which will be mighty fun in the dead of winter.  I actually found a used 98 Corolla, which is something that I used to drive and LOVED.  Hopefully, when I’m ready to get something it’ll still be available and in good condition.  It would be nice to have one of those again, it was my second favorite car ever.  My favorite was an 81 civic.  When I got my current car, I actually found one for sale but it needed an alternator.  When I called around to see what getting one put in would cost, the estimate was more than the asking price on the car.  I wish I’d gotten it anyway.  If I’d talked to Joe about it, I probably would have.  Alas, i was stupid about it.  Maybe this time I’ll do better.

Life is not bad.  Actually, it’s better than not bad.  I’ve been working out, which is awesome.  Not as much yet as I’d like to, but I’m building up stamina to do more frequent and longer workouts.  I’ve also taken the plunge back into the world of relationships.  Still terrified as hell, to be honest.  But so is he, so at least we’re on even ground there.  Taking our time and moving at our own pace, which is good.  He’s also a hockey fan.  Devils, actually.  Which makes for some amusing smack-talk.  He was not amused when he told me that one of his favorite retired players was Claude Lemieux and I responded with “Oh yeah, an AWESOME former Avs player!”  Yes, I know he also played for the Devils, but I pretended that didn’t happen… I’m such a shit.  But he apparently doesn’t mind that.

the who, why, what, when and how are unimportant.  Well, actually they are… but thats on a need to know basis.  Right now, you don’t need to know.  Maybe later.  But not at the moment.  Most important is the feeling.  And the feeling is good.  Hear that world?  I’m feeling good.  Damn good.  Me rikey this feeling.  I missed this feeling.  Ever get that giddy feeling that goes from your toes all the way up to the top of your head?  Where you feel like you’re going to dance through the next shift from hell giggling and making fun of the people that would normally piss you off, cause you just feel so good?  Where you’ve got butterflies and flip flops and all that fun but somewhat disconcerting crap going on in your tummy?  Yeah.  That feeling.  Me rikey.

I confess that I’ve been anti-relationship of late.  To be honest, I don’t know if I can do it again.  To put myself out there and be torn to shreds like I was just seems like the dumbest thing I could possibly do.  You know?  But then I find myself reconnecting with an old friend and really CONNECTING.  Something… I don’t know.  I remember years ago… eons ago… when we all hung out, there was this book.  We called it “The Universe Book.”  In which people from our group of friends (and a few enemies) were assigned roles in certain universes.  It started with the Animaniacs universe.  I was Yakko, Lan was Wakko and Mare was Dot… we actually had someone assigned to every single character in the show.  Even the Mime Time guy and Randy Beeman’s friend.  I don’t remember every universe we did, but I do recall a few significant ones…

In the Star Trek (original series) universe I was Uhura and the gentleman I’ve reconnected with (let’s call him CR for now) being assigned Scotty.  As far as I recall, we didn’t pick these characters for the most part.  It was decided on by Lan and Jay (who were mine and CR’s best friends at the time).  For those of you who don’t know, in the later movies it’s indicated/implied that these two have a romantic relationship.

In the Lion King Universe I was Timon and he was Pumbaa — best friends.

In the XMen Universe, I was Nightcrawler (ok, I INSISTED on that one) and he was Colossus — again, best friends.

In the Star Trek:TNG Universe, I was Troi and he was Riker, who were Imzadi.  I’m revealing my dorkiness by telling you that Imzadi is a Betazoid word (Troi was half Betazoid) which essentially means beloved.

Yeah, I noticed the trend back then and kept my mouth shut, but I always thought they were trying to push the two of us together.

Now I find myself thinking about this fear of entering into another relationship.  I don’t know that I can love like that again.  I damn near lost myself.  To be honest, I’m terrified.  And then I keep thinking about a song from Rent (the movie).  Another Day.  Particularly Mimi’s parts…

the heart may freeze
or it can burn
the pain will ease
if I can learn
there is no future
there is no past
i live this moment as my last

there’s only us
there’s only this
forget regret
or life is yours to miss
no other road
no other way
no day but today.

there’s only us
only tonight
we must let go
to know what’s right
no other course
no other way
no day but today

i can’t control
my destiny
i trust my soul
my only goal is just to be

there’s only now
there’s only here
give in to love
or live in fear
no other path
no other way
no day but today.

I’m not saying I’m in love or anything like that.  Honestly I don’t know that I have that kind of love to give anymore (which is a sad statement in itself).  But I find myself thinking of him randomly throughout the day.  I find myself missing him.  I find my stomach doing flip flops and the butterfly thing when I talk to him.  It’s all very strange to me.  I’ve spent a long time saying never again.  And now this connection.  The type I haven’t felt in a long time.  Very strange.  Very interesting.  But also very nice.